Archive for the ‘Depressive’ Category

Just thinking…

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

It is easier to try to be a decent person once you accept the fact and admit to yourself that you are a bad man. It allows you to answer a lot of difficult questions with honesty and without shame. It grants a peace, even though that peace is not always the what one might ideally consider as such.

You are who you were.
You are who you are.
You are who you will be.

There is little benefit in crying over spilled milk, beer, or blood.

Friday, August 19th, 2005

I sleep with my clothes on every night. This way, I will be prepared for the afterlife if I die in my sleep.

Friday, July 8th, 2005

Things are not good in Andyland.

I need to move on.

Some thoughts I’ve been having/feeling lately:

Friday, June 24th, 2005

Iam interesting, but not exciting. I think that I disappoint a lot of people who confuse the two when they first meet me. That’s just who I am though. I may be kind of exciting from time to time, but that’s just a rare occasion, for the most part. I think that people put too much stock in excitement anyway though. People are too much into living for the stimulated moment and not enough into just living well.

In other news, isn’t it funny how nostalgia can warm your heart and break it at the same time?

Sunday, April 3rd, 2005

I need to clean up my life. I’m seriously unstable. I need to do some emotional housecleaning.

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

I need to learn how to just not care about everything so much. I don’t know why I let things like this bother me. I know what’s going on, I know that it is out of my control, and for that matter, I would’t have any right to conrol it even if I could, but I keep wanting for things to be different than they are. I like to think that I can change the world, that I can help people chenge themselves for the better. I need to just work on changing myself for the better, but it’s easier to see others’ mistakes than my own mistakes. I just can’t see myself objectively, no matter how hard I try. That is why I can give good advice but then not even be able to take my own advice. I can’t help myself, so I try to help others… but you can’t really help anyone who won’t help themselves. Sometimes life feels like a train screeching and sliding down the rails towards a collapsed bridge. Those of us in the front can see what’s coming, but none of us have any power to stop it. We are all fucking doomed.

Sunday, December 12th, 2004

I have this skulking suspicion that I am becoming stale.

Monday, November 29th, 2004

Do you ever play a song, and it affects you so much that you feel like you are about to convulse, have a seizure, have an aneurysm, have a cardiac arrest, vomit, and cry all at the same time? I have been having trouble sleeping (surprise surprise), so I decided to listen to some old songs that I have not listened to for awhile. One of them just so happens to be a song that makes me feel as though I am on the verge of doing each of the aforementioned things simultaneously. Even having only listened to the first few seconds was enough, and now my skin is tense and hurts, and I feel evenmore exhausted than before. Fuck.

Listen, surely I’ve exceeded expectations–tried for three years, seems like thirty…

Thursday, November 25th, 2004

I want to be a superhero. I want to be a “man.”
I have realized one more of a number of reasons why I am pessimistic that I will ever get married. I feel like I am trapped in the body of a child. I am not tall enough. I am not broad enough. I can’t grow a beard. When my parents introduce me to people that they know in TX, everyone thinks that I just graduated high school.
I am almost in my mid-20s.
I sometimes feel like I am going to transform directly from teen to geezer, bypassing adulthood. And the thing is: women don’t want to marry a boy. Women want to marry men. I have this iconic vision of man as superman–stong but gentle, resolute, persevering, proud, standing on a pedestal, admired by boys and girls, desired by women. Not all men get to ever completely fulfill this ideal, but most can fulfill it in part; I fear that I cannot, even in part.

Monday, November 8th, 2004

It’s days like today that make me want to disappear.

let it all go by
looking at the sky
wondering if there’s clouds
in hell