Archive for the ‘Self Reflection’ Category

Just thinking…

Wednesday, December 14th, 2005

It is easier to try to be a decent person once you accept the fact and admit to yourself that you are a bad man. It allows you to answer a lot of difficult questions with honesty and without shame. It grants a peace, even though that peace is not always the what one might ideally consider as such.

You are who you were.
You are who you are.
You are who you will be.

There is little benefit in crying over spilled milk, beer, or blood.

Some thoughts I’ve been having/feeling lately:

Friday, June 24th, 2005

Iam interesting, but not exciting. I think that I disappoint a lot of people who confuse the two when they first meet me. That’s just who I am though. I may be kind of exciting from time to time, but that’s just a rare occasion, for the most part. I think that people put too much stock in excitement anyway though. People are too much into living for the stimulated moment and not enough into just living well.

In other news, isn’t it funny how nostalgia can warm your heart and break it at the same time?

Lucidity Waiver

Thursday, April 21st, 2005

The past couple days have been very odd for me. I have been slipping into periods of almost complete incoherence lately. While walking home from class this afternoon, I caught myself feeling incredible impulses to do some very unusual and innapropiate things and realized that my mind seemed to be slipping into almost subconscious control. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened, but I began to realize that it has been happening with more and more frequency of late, and it is starting to scare me.

The best way that I can think of to describe it is that I am losing conscious control of myself, slipping into subconscious autonomy. It is like blacking out for a few minutes and then coming back, but usually having a vague idea of what just happened. I am losing lucidity. It’s kind of like being in a zombie-state or some sort of fucked up quietism; I am physically active and responsive, but at best, my conscious mind is merely hanging on for the ride.

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Sunday, April 3rd, 2005

I need to clean up my life. I’m seriously unstable. I need to do some emotional housecleaning.

Hazzard County Wisdom

Saturday, February 26th, 2005

This hits a little too close to home: Most folks eat when they’re hungry. Boss Hogg eats when he’s nervous. If he didn’t burn it off worrying, Ol’ Boss ‘ud weigh a ton.

Drive me far away. I don’t care where, just far away.

Monday, February 14th, 2005

I miss taking road trips and getting away on weekends. It grounds me. It gives me perspective on my self and my life.

Wednesday, February 2nd, 2005

I need to learn how to just not care about everything so much. I don’t know why I let things like this bother me. I know what’s going on, I know that it is out of my control, and for that matter, I would’t have any right to conrol it even if I could, but I keep wanting for things to be different than they are. I like to think that I can change the world, that I can help people chenge themselves for the better. I need to just work on changing myself for the better, but it’s easier to see others’ mistakes than my own mistakes. I just can’t see myself objectively, no matter how hard I try. That is why I can give good advice but then not even be able to take my own advice. I can’t help myself, so I try to help others… but you can’t really help anyone who won’t help themselves. Sometimes life feels like a train screeching and sliding down the rails towards a collapsed bridge. Those of us in the front can see what’s coming, but none of us have any power to stop it. We are all fucking doomed.

Sunday, January 16th, 2005

I’ve been trying to decide whether I am full of mustard or ketchup.

Wednesday, January 12th, 2005

Last night, I slept like a corpse. Not as well as a corpse (in fact, I woke quite frequently), but in the position of a corpse–flat on my back with my arms crossed over my chest (more like a mummy, I suppose). This is mostly unusual for me, though not entirely unheard of, and got me to thinking about how I sleep. I generally need to feel some sort of weight upon me. Even in the summer, I like to have heavy blankets weighing me down. I often need to bury my head underneath pillows. I wonder if this reflects some sort of unfulfilled psychological need or some other sort of deficiency in my waking life?

Personal Life Descriptors

Saturday, January 1st, 2005

I was doing what I often do while I sit at home most every evening–thinking/reflecting–and I came upon the distinct conclusion that “unbalanced” is the word that best describes how I feel about how I think/act/feel in life these days. I then remembered how in high school and my first couple years of college, that word used to be “off-center” (a fantastic concept which held the connotations of awkwardness, deviance, asymmetry, imperfection, and eccentricity for me). I began to wonder whether “off-center” might not still be more appropriate, but I decided that balance is a more important concept than position is in my life at present. So I would describe my self/life right now as “Balance–or the lack thereof.”