Archive for November, 2004

Monday, November 29th, 2004

Do you ever play a song, and it affects you so much that you feel like you are about to convulse, have a seizure, have an aneurysm, have a cardiac arrest, vomit, and cry all at the same time? I have been having trouble sleeping (surprise surprise), so I decided to listen to some old songs that I have not listened to for awhile. One of them just so happens to be a song that makes me feel as though I am on the verge of doing each of the aforementioned things simultaneously. Even having only listened to the first few seconds was enough, and now my skin is tense and hurts, and I feel evenmore exhausted than before. Fuck.

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

I have been feeling a lot better this past month than I have in a long time. Things haven’t really been much better than usual, but my outlook has been improving and somewhat less pessimistic. Part of it is forcing myself to interact with others. Part of it is forcing myself to close certain chapters of my life and move on. Despite my better overall condition, I still have my moments of misery. Most evenings, unless I am out with friends, I find myself falling into despair and loneliness. I used to use art or writing to help distract (or at least, in some manner, relieve) me from these feelings. For awhile, I used to work on my car to do this as well. I have done all that is practical for my car, and so the only work that I do on it now is maintenance, which is still rewarding but not very effective at relieving my tension. This fall, I used my Halloween costume to accomplish this on a smaller scale. I have a few ideas for paintings to start on, but I keep putting them off for one reason or another. Very soon though, I hope tp have a new distraction with the 1958 Volvo. Assuming that I don’t go completely broke in the process, there are almost endless things to do which will let me forget my troubles and focus on something more meaningless.

Listen, surely I’ve exceeded expectations–tried for three years, seems like thirty…

Thursday, November 25th, 2004

I want to be a superhero. I want to be a “man.”
I have realized one more of a number of reasons why I am pessimistic that I will ever get married. I feel like I am trapped in the body of a child. I am not tall enough. I am not broad enough. I can’t grow a beard. When my parents introduce me to people that they know in TX, everyone thinks that I just graduated high school.
I am almost in my mid-20s.
I sometimes feel like I am going to transform directly from teen to geezer, bypassing adulthood. And the thing is: women don’t want to marry a boy. Women want to marry men. I have this iconic vision of man as superman–stong but gentle, resolute, persevering, proud, standing on a pedestal, admired by boys and girls, desired by women. Not all men get to ever completely fulfill this ideal, but most can fulfill it in part; I fear that I cannot, even in part.

Monday, November 8th, 2004

It’s days like today that make me want to disappear.

let it all go by
looking at the sky
wondering if there’s clouds
in hell