you know, for believing that i have as little patience as i do, it strikes me as strange that i seem to do nothing with my life but wait. i keep saying to myself: “one more hour, one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year, one more decade–just one more.” it’s much like in soccer pre-season training or swim practice; i would just repeat to myself “one more step/stroke, one more lap, one more step/stroke, one more lap,” lap after lap–trudging along, half alive and with only one goal. i was waiting to go to college for so long, waiting to change schools, waiting for a break, waiting to leave morgantown… now i am waiting to return to morgantown and school. and then what? waiting to graduate, waiting to find a job, waiting to become financially stable, waiting to die a lonely death. i’ve waited for love, and i suppose that i still wait although it is no longer something i expect. ultimately, i am waiting for death. for an end. for a resolution. waiting to have nothing left to wait for.
i need to fucking change my life. but honestly? i am waiting until i have more energy and motivation.
fuck.
I made a comment in my journal a while ago asking if all my life is going to be is waiting. Im a lot younger than you, but already I feel the same. Maybe for different reasons, but the feeling is overall mutual.
I dont expect love either anymore, maybe its just because I dont care to see the use in being a hopeless romantic. Most people my age choose to use love blindly and stupidly and because of that I refuse to acknowledge it in the way they do. It definately puts me on an emotional pause.
I used to figure I should wait for death. Although I have no suicidal tendencies, my impatience gets the better of me often and I find myself wishing for a sense of peace the world, or this life isnt offering me. But I know its only because Im so young. 16 is insulting beyond anything I can explain. But for such a short span of life, I feel Ive been promised so much and only let down. Which probably initially led to my growing impatience.
it’s so crazy how i feel exactly the same way. it’s like i’m always waiting on something to happen for something to change for something to make my life better when i know that only i can do it. i’m slowly realizing this too. i have hope for us, andy.
<3