The Quietism of Andy

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I was looking through some of these old entries–and trying not to be too disappointed by my lack of inspiration beyond anything of an automotive engineering nature–and found something of interest. I was reminded of the (presently abandoned) if_only_list and I discovered that I had written something else there which I had neglected to post here as well. So without further ado, here was my submission for the “I would dance” topic:

I would dance
on top of the world,

clickety-clack
’20s gangster style
all booze and cigars and pinstripes,

a quick little jig to express my gratitude
for tommy guns
that turn G-men into dust
and Model A coupes
that leave the bodies in the dust.

I would dance
for fame and infamy,
for dames and broads,
for the chance to speak easy,

and for all the lives that I live in fantasy.

Originally posted to if_only_list @ 2005-03-14 23:03:00

I often get very bad headaches.* Sometimes I get very lightheaded. Sometimes I see stars around the edges of my vision for no apparent reason. Sometimes find myself losing focus on where I am, who I am, and what I am doing. It’s not quite like blacking out, but I will find myself somewhere and doing something with only the vaguest recollection of how I got there.

I sometimes wonder if I have a brain tumor. In some ways, I actually hope for it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really want to have a brain tumor, but it would provide some fairly simple answers to many of the questions that I have about life. Sometimes I’d much rather have truth without a future than to have a future without truth.

Another thought that I’ve had recently is how my recently deceased grandmother was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease, and how it tends to be hereditary. I don’t actually think that I’m suffering from symptoms of Alzheimer’s, but thoughts of it do tend to lurk around in the back of my mind. Losing one’s self, one’s identity, before losring one’s body is hard for me to come to terms with. It’s like watching a person drown within themselves and leaving behind little more than a hollow shell, and not being able to do anything about it.

*I generally attribute the headaches to my restrictive sinus passages and the perpetual congestion and sinus pressure that results from it, although I’m beginning to think that I also get some sort of migraines as well.

While back in WV briefly, I realized how important mountains are to me. I feel more at ease when I’m surrounded by mountains. I also became aware of how much more beautiful a guitar sounds when gently strummed at dusk on a mountaintop rather than when strummed on an open plain.

In some ways, love can be very much like a emotional tumor. It grows within and throughout your life, often spreading uncontrollably, permeating so many aspects, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and memories. But sometime love can be harmful. And when it has grown to be very harmful, the only options are to live with a pain that can never fully heal or to cut it out entirely. But sometimes, it has spread so thoroughly through your life that to cut it out would be to cut away your dreams for the future and a significant portion of your past. Sometime it is impossible to truly cut it out of your life, and it even if you could excise everything that it has touched, it would take away so much of what makes you who you are. A man (or woman) without a past is fundamentally unstable. Love can be an emotional cancer.

A good mind is like water.
When a mind is confronted with an obstacle, it should flow around, naturally seeking alternate routes to proceed and selecting the most appropriate.

I am the phoenix who wallows in his own ashes, grieving over his own prior death.
Once and many times again upon a time, rebirth was triumphant, but these days it is pathetic, melancholy, and mournful.
I need to fly away from my grave.

I sleep with my clothes on every night. This way, I will be prepared for the afterlife if I die in my sleep.

What would you call a man who would let the world pass him by to pursue a dream, but is not willing to fight for that dream? You would call him a fool, I imagine. But not me, I would call him a high-stakes gambler. The odds are long but they payoff is infinite. Wouldn’t it all be worth it–even if you didn’t win–just to say that you shot for the moon? Sure, maybe you won’t make it, but wouldn’t you rather strive for everything and fail than just settle for something lesser?

Or maybe I am just rationalizing a lifetime of bad decisions; I suppose it is something that a fool would do.

when i die

there will be no more bad days
(there will be no more good days, i suppose)

this weight will become yours

this knot will come untied
these strings will come unraveled
these ideas will float away on the wind

maybe some will float back down
maybe some will be found by another

if only i could attach a tag
— my name, how to reach me,
tell me you understand

maybe there would be good days

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I posted this in if_only_list, and realized that it probably belongs in here as well. Once I finished it and re-read it a few times, I started to like it more and more. Maybe I will start having more stuff to add to this journal as I participate in the If Only List community.