Posts Tagged ‘Self Reflection’

Sunday, December 12th, 2004

I have this skulking suspicion that I am becoming stale.

Listen, surely I’ve exceeded expectations–tried for three years, seems like thirty…

Thursday, November 25th, 2004

I want to be a superhero. I want to be a “man.”
I have realized one more of a number of reasons why I am pessimistic that I will ever get married. I feel like I am trapped in the body of a child. I am not tall enough. I am not broad enough. I can’t grow a beard. When my parents introduce me to people that they know in TX, everyone thinks that I just graduated high school.
I am almost in my mid-20s.
I sometimes feel like I am going to transform directly from teen to geezer, bypassing adulthood. And the thing is: women don’t want to marry a boy. Women want to marry men. I have this iconic vision of man as superman–stong but gentle, resolute, persevering, proud, standing on a pedestal, admired by boys and girls, desired by women. Not all men get to ever completely fulfill this ideal, but most can fulfill it in part; I fear that I cannot, even in part.

Sunday, September 12th, 2004

why can’t i just be happy with all of the great things that i have?
i don’t think that i will ever be happy.

Monday, September 6th, 2004

I’ve been noticing of late that almost everyone seems to be searching for short-term fixes for potentially permanent problems. I find that to some extent, I am prey to this foolish process as well. It seems that if we could just step back and see things as they really are, then we might be able to commit to finding a real solution. But even when we know that a real solution is possible with patience and fortitude, we choose to let it go in exchange it for a quick fix. It’s so much easier to look for quick results, even when they are superficial and temporary. I find that I personally seem to give up not only the real solution, but also a number of quick fixes. I am slow to act. I am indecisive. I am fearful. And perhaps, I find some sick comfort in being miserable.

In an alternate reality, I would be Richie Cunningham.

Thursday, September 2nd, 2004

I wish life were more like “Happy Days”.

It also makes me wonder what show my personal life is most like? Considering that there are and have been so many TV shows made, I’m sure that there must be a show that fairly closely resembles my own woeful misadventures and stumblings into the world of growing up. But what show would it be?

This is incomplete.

Sunday, August 8th, 2004

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I do not feel that I am as good of a person as I should be, about how I just don’t have the internal or external power to be as good a person as I should be, about how other people are not as good people as they should be, and about how it is somehow ok with me for most of them to not be but it is not ok with me for me to not be. I can’t seem to resolve this issue because it involves other issues which I am unable to resolve (most importantly, trying to divine the nature of human existence/awareness). It’s bothering me greatly.

Personal Entry

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

Purple Heart

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

you know, for believing that i have as little patience as i do, it strikes me as strange that i seem to do nothing with my life but wait. i keep saying to myself: “one more hour, one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year, one more decade–just one more.” it’s much like in soccer pre-season training or swim practice; i would just repeat to myself “one more step/stroke, one more lap, one more step/stroke, one more lap,” lap after lap–trudging along, half alive and with only one goal. i was waiting to go to college for so long, waiting to change schools, waiting for a break, waiting to leave morgantown… now i am waiting to return to morgantown and school. and then what? waiting to graduate, waiting to find a job, waiting to become financially stable, waiting to die a lonely death. i’ve waited for love, and i suppose that i still wait although it is no longer something i expect. ultimately, i am waiting for death. for an end. for a resolution. waiting to have nothing left to wait for.

i need to fucking change my life. but honestly? i am waiting until i have more energy and motivation.

fuck.

A brief update

Sunday, June 13th, 2004

Despite many familiar artifacts and personal effects, I realized this evening that I really do not feel at home here at all.

I started on making a painting though, at least. This is my first time painting with oils, so I’m not sure how well it will go. I’ve pretty much got the sunset/clouds finished, and laid the base for a reflective water surface, but nothing more. I haven’t really done much, but I haven’t fucked it up yet either, so that is a good start I guess.

Saturday, May 1st, 2004

Every time I look in the mirror, or at pictures of myself, I see an adolescent. I don’t feel tall enough to be an adult, and I wonder if I ever will.