while letting the tides of the internet take me where they may, i stumbled upon a list of things that someone aspired to do before they die. this person is a few years younger than i, and as i looked over it, i began to recall some of the dreams and goals that i had once desired to do before death.

and so now i wonder just when i lost my aspirations in life?

there are still things that i desire to do, but nothing that i aspire to. i have given up on just about every lofty goal that i ever had. i am essentially ready for death if death comes. i say “essentially” only because my obsessive nature would have me tie up a few loose ends to “tidy up” my exit from this world. after all, no one really likes having to clean up someone else’s messes.

in some ways, i feel that i have died already—i am just hanging around and completing formalities and obligations before i take my leave.

but when did i really give up my hopes and aspirations?

the closest that i can guess is that it happened sometime during my sophomore year of college. i think that i began to let things slip as far back as junior high school, but i always kept clinging to my dreams until sophomore year of college. even then, i do not think that i let the last threads slip from my fingers until last year.

but regardless of when i let go, my hands are now empty. so what shall i do with myself now?

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