Archive for the ‘Depressive’ Category

Sisyphus, Atlas, and I–tragic heros indeed.

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

“It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate. He is stronger than his rock.

If this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him? The workman of today works everyday in his life at the same tasks, and his fate is no less absurd. But it is tragic only at the rare moments when it becomes conscious. Sisyphus, proletarian of the gods, powerless and rebellious, knows the whole extent of his wretched condition: it is what he thinks of during his descent. The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory. There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn.”

Excerpted from The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus (trans. Justin O’Brien)

While I agree with the initial analysis of the situation, I do not agree with Camus’s conclusions that “The lucidity that was to constitute his torture at the same time crowns his victory” and “There is no fate that can not be surmounted by scorn.”

Sunday, October 10th, 2004

Coming home makes me realize just how empty and lonely this place is. One of the worst things about living alone is that no one misses you when you are gone, and no one care and no one knows when you return.

Sunday, September 12th, 2004

why can’t i just be happy with all of the great things that i have?
i don’t think that i will ever be happy.

Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

Yet again, I couldn’t sleep. I decided to do something productive. I am discovering that it is difficult to find inspiration while sober these days, but this turned out pretty well. It may be the best sober work of art (excluding digital art) that I have done in the past 5 years, excluding the painting that I did this summer.

Click here to view more images.

( View more… )

Now I have nothing good to do. I wish I had cable tv to watch. I think I’m going to go have a beer and try going to bed again. Good morning, everyone.

This is incomplete.

Sunday, August 8th, 2004

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I do not feel that I am as good of a person as I should be, about how I just don’t have the internal or external power to be as good a person as I should be, about how other people are not as good people as they should be, and about how it is somehow ok with me for most of them to not be but it is not ok with me for me to not be. I can’t seem to resolve this issue because it involves other issues which I am unable to resolve (most importantly, trying to divine the nature of human existence/awareness). It’s bothering me greatly.

Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004

I REGRET: every breath since early summer 1992

Personal Entry

Sunday, July 11th, 2004

Purple Heart

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

you know, for believing that i have as little patience as i do, it strikes me as strange that i seem to do nothing with my life but wait. i keep saying to myself: “one more hour, one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year, one more decade–just one more.” it’s much like in soccer pre-season training or swim practice; i would just repeat to myself “one more step/stroke, one more lap, one more step/stroke, one more lap,” lap after lap–trudging along, half alive and with only one goal. i was waiting to go to college for so long, waiting to change schools, waiting for a break, waiting to leave morgantown… now i am waiting to return to morgantown and school. and then what? waiting to graduate, waiting to find a job, waiting to become financially stable, waiting to die a lonely death. i’ve waited for love, and i suppose that i still wait although it is no longer something i expect. ultimately, i am waiting for death. for an end. for a resolution. waiting to have nothing left to wait for.

i need to fucking change my life. but honestly? i am waiting until i have more energy and motivation.


Sunday, April 18th, 2004

I can’t afford to waste time. I can’t think. I can’t focus. I can’t relax. I can’t focus. I can’t sleep. I can’t be the person that I want to be. I can’t find any answers. I can’t sleep. I can’t focus. I can’t do anything. I can’t help you.

I just had the worst dream

Thursday, April 8th, 2004

I just had the worst dream. Not because it was a bad dream, but because it was such a good dream that waking up from it leads to disappointment. And what makes it so much worse, is that it felt very realistic while I was dreaming. It was something that could have been real but wasn’t. So when I wake up and know that it was not real and will never be real, I feel very depressed. I am emotionally drained, and I feel physically drained as well.